Well lets see, where do I even began? Let me start by saying after 14 years of marriage, I am still madly and deeply in love with my husband. He really is the best guy in the world. I don't know how we ended up at this point but we are here none the less. He left on his 5th deployment and I do not know why but this time around has been sooo hard. He left on Friday and I felt like I died a little inside. I am that wife that says, "if you are a navy wife it comes with the territory", and I think it is silly when wives get all crazy and act like they can't take care of themselves while their hubbies are gone. I think it creates worry in their sailors mind to think they can not pull it together and take care of their family. Well.. Low and behold people.. I turned into one of those wives this time around. I am not sure if it is due to the area they are going to or the fact that we have no half way point (them coming home for 2 weeks). I have just plain lost it. One of my friends thinks it is because we have had such an amazing and fun year. We have had the best friends ever and have as a family just enjoyed so much. We have had to worry about me having cancer and having a hysterectomy this year. So I guess it makes sense. But still... I lost it this time around. I cried the whole night Friday. I was OK during the day because I was with my girlfriend, and we cried (her hubby is on the same ship), but for the most part we did OK during the day. I dropped her off at home, came home and couldn't stop crying. Took my friend to the airport the next morning and ran some errands, was home by noon, and spent the rest of the day crying and I don't mean little sobs... I was full on crying... I have always been strong for my son and myself during the deployments, but I just couldn't be this time. I have a few other friends who have taken this one quite hard as well. We have all been through this a few times if not more, but this one seems so different. I felt my heart literally break as we watched the ship disappear. I am a prior navy sailor, so I actually do know 100% what goes along with deployments and have always been quite able to pull it together. I don't get it, why is this one different? Why do I feel like I can't breathe without him here. I look around and everything I see reminds me of him.. Every song that plays does too... I am not joking... I even lost it at the bank. Some guy pulled his girl up to him the way Kevin does me to kiss her, when he grabbed her hand I got teary, but then when he pulled her up to him and kissed her, man I lost it.. I was like I was watching Kevin and I. I did good yesterday (Sunday), we actually had a decent day, I cleaned and there was minimal crying. I went to my friends for dinner, which I had refused to do the previous nights because I knew I would suck as company. I did pretty good there, only teared up once. Well today is a new day and I have not cried as of yet, but I fully expect to, because it is hitting me all over again. I get an email or a text from him and he says how hard it is for him and it makes it that much more sad for me. At least if I knew he was OK that might help. Knowing he is hurting so bad is horrible. He writes me the most touching things and I just can't help but lose it. I love this man so much and I hate that I can't see him for 6 months. I don't just love him, I really like to be around him and with him. I like who I am with him and how he loves me and his son. I know that I am lucky to have such a wonderful man.. I really do, but it makes it that much harder for him to leave us. It's been 3 days and I feel like I have already been without him for an century. I know I am rambling. Sorry, just thought if I wrote about it, it might help me feel a little better.. and I guess it did, but I still miss him.. Well I guess I try to get some stuff done and keep my mind busy. Gotta let me kid go to school and stay here all alone for the first time in forever.. UGH..lol wish me luck. Amy
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11 years ago
